Dear Ryan…
- Lavavoth
- Apr 2, 2017
- 3 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
One Funeral Listing After the Next
You were focused, thoughtful, and determined–-an art star in the making. And so you went to Sweden to explore the light as the scholar that you were.
Two weeks ago today, after years of no contact, I finally decided to reach out to you. But when I tried visiting your website, the page was gone and the domain name was listed for sale. I searched your name on Google. The first five results were funeral home notices.
You passed away on June 2[1], 2016, in your home. You left behind a partner, a two-year-old daughter, a sister, a brother, and your parents. You left all of us behind.
You were born on March 30, one day before me. You shared a birthday with van Gogh, while I share mine with Al Gore, Christopher Walken, and my ex-husband.
We Met in the Dark
You encouraged my direction in my drawings, you helped me during some of my darkest moments, always offering your support, empathy, humor, kindness, and friendship.
So many times I have wanted to reach out to you and to thank you for having been such a good friend to me while I was at Penn. You encouraged my direction in my drawings, you helped me during some of my darkest moments, always offering your support, empathy, humor, kindness, and friendship.
We met in the darkroom of the university. I quickly learned of your gift for photography. How much I loved your work, and still do. From that first encounter, we were inseparable that first year. Your wisdom informed me that you were an old soul. Your levity and sense of humor told me that you had transcended the challenges of life.
You made me laugh so many times when I desperately needed cheering up.
Then everything changed the following year. My fiancé (now ex-husband) moved to Philly to be near me, and you and I drifted. As graduation neared for the both of us, you told me that you had gotten into Yale for graduate school, but that you had rejected them. You told me this with a smirk on your face. You always followed your heart over status symbols, and that’s what I always admired and loved about you.
You Were on Your Way to Stardom
You were focused, thoughtful, and determined, an art star in the making. And so you went to Sweden to explore the light as the scholar that you were.
Not too long after graduation, you were awarded a Fulbright fellowship. I wanted to emulate you, so I considered applying for a Fulbright to Germany wanting to do an art project about German women in postwar Germany. My limited German skills, inability to connect with galleries in Berlin, and insecurities ultimately forced me to abandon the idea. But not you. You were brilliant and confident. You were focused, thoughtful, and determined, an art star in the making. And so you went to Sweden to explore the light as the scholar that you were.
Now you’re gone from the physical world and I never got the chance to thank you for all that you had done for me. You even saved me from a catastrophic meltdown once. So I just want to say thank you for making me laugh so many times. Thank you for being goofy and childlike with me when the rest of the world slipped into post 9/11 existential angst. Thank you for constantly inspiring me, and for convincing me to stay engaged with my life. Thank you for helping in too many ways to list here. But most of all, thank you for being you.
I miss you and you will always occupy a space in my heart.
Lavavoth
Note
[1] My next cancer surgery is on June 1, 2026. I keep wondering whether I will die then, or the following day on the tenth anniversary of Ryan’s death.
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