Apocalyptic Reverie: Doing the Mushroom Shuffle in Berlin

Dutch DJ Eelke Kleijn, spinning tunes into Armageddon. He da bomb!

Apocalyptic New Year's Brooding

On New Year’s Eve—and for two weeks afterward—I let myself quietly spiral into apocalyptic what-if scenarios.

New Year’s Eve (and New Year’s Day) doesn’t rank in my top ten favorite holidays. One reason is that I hate thinking about the year ahead and all the ways I should improve my life. That kind of reflection inevitably drags me into reviewing everything I didn’t accomplish the year before.

It’s not that I’m against making resolutions. Striving for personal growth and development is worthwhile. Goals help keep me grounded.

But this year, on New Year’s Eve—and for two weeks afterward—I let myself quietly spiral into apocalyptic what-if scenarios.

Maybe I was picking up on the current energy in the world. Maybe I was slipping into a paranoid state. Whatever it was, the air felt off—charged, almost sharp—like I was being pricked by something just moments away from detonating.

The Ominous Death of Bowie

Bowie's time in Berlin during the 1970s inspired his master piece song, "Heroes"

Something about his passing triggered a psychic alert in me.

Actually, I’ve been feeling this strange undercurrent since last year—more specifically, since Bowie’s death. Something about his passing triggered a psychic alert in me. From that moment on, I had the sense that our already unstable world was tipping into deeper, more perilous disharmony.

Then the U.S. presidential election happened—and, well, we’ve all seen how that’s been unfolding. And he wasn’t even president yet.

Endless Cold War

Khrushchev and Kennedy were able to navigate the rising tensions and avoid catastrophe. In that moment, cooler heads prevailed.

History tells us that the world has been on the brink of nuclear disaster since the creation of the atomic bomb. This doesn’t even account for the U.S. bombing of Japan—because, technically, Japan lacked the capacity for retaliation. Had Japan possessed its own atomic weapon, the U.S. might have pursued less catastrophic measures out of fear of mutual destruction. Not long after, the Soviet Union leveled the playing field by developing its own nuclear arsenal, launching the nuclear arms race and marking the beginning of the Cold War.

The world came dangerously close to disaster during the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962. Fortunately, Khrushchev and Kennedy were able to navigate the rising tensions and avoid catastrophe. In that moment, cooler heads prevailed.

But in today’s volatile political climate—where megalomaniacal world leaders often react before they think, and many command vast nuclear stockpiles—trusting that cooler heads will prevail feels increasingly like wishful thinking.

Get Out of the Cities! Is that the Answer?

So there I went, into self-induced anxiety, combing the internet for those kinds of websites that are riddled with doomsday predictions and conspiracy theories. I found a site that addresses nuclear survival, instructing the reader to:

Memorize the THREE top rules for survival. They are:

Number One – Get out of the cities!

Number Two – Get out of the cities!

Number Three – Get out of the cities!

That seems like good advice. Don’t be an idiot. Get the hell out of the densely populated areas that are prime targets.

But where I currently live isn’t ideal either. I live only 6+- hours from NYC and even closer to Boston. If the bombs were to come from Russia and if their Satan 2 nuclear missiles were ready for action, those of us who live in this area would either be burned alive or suffer slow deaths from the fallout.

But at that moment, deep in anxiety-provoking websites and youtube videos, I thought about building a fallout shelter on my property, stockpiling canned goods and water, and, yes, buying a gun.

Striking Distance from Berlin

Germany’s history with Russia...coupled with its involvement in NATO and its cozy ties with the U.S., make it one of Russia’s primary targets...

A thought about Germany came into my head and my heart sank. Germany’s past political disasters led to the Second World War, ultimately propelling the country’s split after the war (East and West). When reunification saw Germany whole again in 1990, all seemed well. But all isn’t well.

Germany’s history with Russia (and its dangerously close proximity to Eastern Europe), coupled with its involvement in NATO and its cozy ties with the U.S., make it one of Russia’s primary targets, should an all-out war ensue in Eastern Europe. And now with the potential dissolution of NATO, remilitarization could be economically catastrophic, even for the most financially stable country in the EU. To make matters worse, Russia has recently placed nuclear weapons in Kaliningrad, striking distance from Berlin.

Ground Zero, Berlin

Strangely, the more I embrace meeting my fate in this way, the freer and less consumed I become by all the stupidly inconsequential day-to-day drama that preoccupy me ad nauseam.

I thought about my connection to Germany and about the world in a post-apocalyptic free-for-all (especially if Russia’s Dead Hand is still in place), and wondered, why the hell would I want to be around for that?

I pictured myself living in Berlin. Ground zero. I imagined my nuclear death, and as I did, an unexpected wave of calmness washed over me. Death would be fast, at least faster than the alternative. I would disintegrate into dust–me and millions of Berliners–a mass exodus to the cosmos. I’m about ready to disembark from this ride, so I might as well go out with a bang.

Forget building a bomb shelter that won’t protect any of us from all the lawlessness, violence, and suffering that will be widespread following global nuclear war. If this demented world is to end in this way while I’m still around, then the epicenter is exactly where I want to be. Strangely, the more I embrace meeting my fate in this way, the freer and less consumed I become by all the stupidly inconsequential day-to-day drama that preoccupy me ad nauseam.

If I were in Berlin right now and a nuclear bomb was headed my way, I would gulp down a goblet of the finest wine, get blitzed on Kush, and listen to Eelke Kleijn spin melodic house music while I danced my life into a pile of ashes at Tiergarten.

Prost!